Kirkepiscatoid

Random and not so random musings from a 5th generation NE Missourian who became a 1st generation Episcopalian. Let the good times roll!

Yesterday, our choir treated us to Bach's BWV1 Cantata: The "How brightly shines the morning star" one. (Hey, I'm a classical music zero, I'm doing good to know this much.) It was also a week I was acolyte, so I was struggling between my need to be "perfectly precise" in the presence of total strangers, who came to church just to hear the cantata, and to be able to sit in my little spot on the chancel and become lost within the music.

You have to realize that, as an expatriate Lutheran, Bach is considered "the greatest Lutheran hymnwriter"...and my only begrudging thing about becoming Episcopalian is missing an abundance of "Lutheran hymns." I think Germans do "passionate angst" better than the English, I'm afraid.

So I am always thrilled when we do anything with German hymn music. I was not disappointed. The choir was marvelous, as were the horns and strings that accompanied them. But as I sat there for twenty minutes, half-hiding in the recess of the wall where the acolyte sits, I think I spent half of it looking at the ceiling, hyperventilating, tears streaming down my eyes, and totally puzzled as to why this was happening.

This morning, as I do my present "planned study" of the last third of the book of Isaiah, I hit upon it in Isaiah 60:5...“Then you shall see and be radiant; your heart shall thrill and rejoice, because the abundance of the sea shall be brought to you, the wealth of the nations shall come to you.”

Last night, I was still not hitting quite on what “it” was that made yesterday a first time experience. I think I’ve gotten a little closer to it this morning after reading this verse. It’s part of a feeling of being temporarily in the company of someone you have always, innately known you have loved (God) and the brief realization that this someone (God) loves you back...maybe more than you realized...and that although this love is eternal, this moment I was experiencing "right then" is temporary.

That is a feeling I am not used to these days. I think maybe that is part of what hit me so hard. I sat up there and realized that the place the music was taking me to was a place where I am loved in a way I’m not accustomed to...and at the same time realizing it would last only as long as the music lasted. I think it was the delight of being in the presence of something way further in my relationship with God than I usually get to be, and the sadness of the full knowledge this was temporary.

It’s because in this world, the “abundance of the sea, the wealth of the nations,” only comes to us for a short stretch at a time. It’s always edged with the knowledge that separation will occur. That’s just how it is in this world. We’re not allowed to stay there for any serious length of time, because we ARE temporal. “Beyond temporal” really doesn’t register with us. We are beings with a finite lifespan who contain a spark of the infinite, but how can we even begin to understand the infinite part of us when we are trapped in a temporal body, in a temporal existence? So when these moments of being totally connected with God occur, we can’t help but simultaneously feel the co-existence of our own temporal state. It creates a moment of unfathomable delight, coupled with the searing pain of longing.

I barely remember how to “long.” Years of waiting for things that I knew would never come, wishing for things I knew would never happen, beat it out of me decades ago. There is a place where you realize the cares of the world, the disappointments you experience through the flaws of others, the shame of your own inabilities and flaws, have scarred your heart to the place “longing” doesn’t happen anymore. Oh, maybe sometimes when people are caught in the throes of romantic love, they rediscover “longing”, but even that, over time, transforms into the day to day of “maintaining.” “Longing” changes to different forms of love...or pain, depending on the situation. Sometimes, I think, the problem of infidelity comes from just the simple desire of wanting to see what "longing" feels like again. I have a feeling that we commit a lot of sins just to "experience longing" for something or someone again, the simple desire to re-visit it.

But I sat there and realize I was doing something I had never done before. I was longing for God. I’ve certainly HIDDEN from God. I’ve LOOKED for him. I’ve been satisfied to just SIT with him. But up until yesterday, I had never LONGED for him.

I’m not ashamed to admit I am fairly afraid of that.

“Longing” has always ended up badly for me. It always results in exquisite pain. I’ve never had a single longing experience that ever ended up in a payoff. My track record is really bad on “longing.” So there is a part of me that says, “Don’t long for this. It will break your heart. Anything or anyone you ever longed for ended up being a shattered dream, broken glass on the pavement, with sharp shards that will cut your heart to ribbons when you fall upon it.”

I cannot even begin to imagine a longing that results in something good. My gut reaction is to “not long”; to resist.

But in this verse, it does not sound like I have a choice. It will be brought to me regardless of how I feel about it. I am not sure what to think of that. “Long, and it will be brought to you.” “Don’t long, and it will be brought to you anyway.” As the Borg say, “Resistance is futile.” So I have to think a little on what that means.

I just know this: I was exposed to a moment of “longing for God,” and I’m totally clueless as to what to do or think about it.

5 comments:

I have sat with this for a long time, lovely.

As someone whose deepest human longing has been fulfilled, I still understand why you want to avoid the desire. Even if you get what you longed for, you must then deal with the constant fear of losing it...

But I suspect that longing for God is part of our makeup (at least for those of us who have "the God gene," as Dear Friend would say)--and I have to believe that our longing will be assuaged at some point.

The satisfaction of human longing has been so exquisite for me that I can only dream of what it would be like to be truly united to God in all ways. As painful as longing can be, I'm glad you got a taste of it yesterday. For me, longing was the beginning of a new life and the experience of true love. I hope that your own longing will propel you deeper into your love affair with God...and that you will know the satisfaction of all those desires.

Pax,
Doxy

I think this is a profound insight--the felling of being in the eternal love of God but knowing we can't stay there. That conflict explains so much.

And I've often had the same thought about the cause of infidelity.

This was a lovely, honest post which touches on the pain and wonder of being human.

I've been exploring longing and desire in a blog over the last year or so. You might find it interesting:

http://theologyofdesire.blogspot.com/

This, like so many of your entries, reads like a confession, an unveiling of yourself at the deepest level - so much so that one hesitates to comment, to violate the silence of the confessional.

Despite that reluctance, I want you to know that you are understood, that others have felt that transcendence, have mourned its brevity, have longed desperately to recapture it, to live in it. But it is rare - and comes unexpectedly. The consolation is that the memory of it persists. And despite future spiritual dry patches (and they will come), future doubts and fears, and feelings of abandonment, of the absence of God, you will know, at some deep level, that you had been once, and so are still, surrounded by the love of God - and that it is a personal, overwhelming love. The memory of that transcendent experience will persist. It will be a precious possession.
____________

I want to thank you for making me feel so welcomed at Trinity.

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Kirksville, Missouri, United States
I'm a longtime area resident of that quirky and wonderful place called Kirksville, MO and am wondering what God has hiding round the next corner in my life.

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