Kirkepiscatoid

Random and not so random musings from a 5th generation NE Missourian who became a 1st generation Episcopalian. Let the good times roll!

Guess what? Another cousin of mine has a serious life problem. This time it is my cousin whom I'll call Dee. Dee's husband (whom I'll call Mickey) has been struggling with some serious alcohol problems. This time he's really FUBAR'ed it. Basically, alcohol has cost his job, their home and potentially he could lose the ticket to his whole career--his professional license.

As much as love Dee and am good at fixing problems, there is nothing I can do to fix this. Zero zip nada. I can only be there for Dee and her two children. Right now, as far as her husband is concerned, well, I am so furious at Mickey, about all I can do is pray for him. "God, bless Mickey. Change me." (Repeat 1000 times or until my mind loosens up.) I'm afraid if I tried to talk to him I'd end up beaning him with a ball bat. But I tell myself he is simply very ill right now, and I have to accept his alcoholism is simply a serious and chronic illness.

I am finding that although I feel more spiritually grounded than I used to feel, I have trouble trusting that grounding and letting go. I sort of see that I need to develop a confidence in being spiritually grounded, when faced with messy life things that don’t fit in boxes.

I have a feeling the only way you gain that confidence, the “confidence to let go and let God be God” is to simply do it and learn from what shakes out of it. But it’s that business of having the confidence to turn loose those first few times that’s a killer.

Did you ever get to rappel over a building? When I was in college, I took non-obligatory ROTC instead of gym, because I wanted to run around in the woods and rappel off of Science Hall. One of the first things you have to learn to rappel is “trust the rope.” As you go off the side of the building, and your weight gets distributed on the rope, you have the sensation of falling (but you’re really not) until the rope goes taut. Only till then do you realize the rope will hold you. You have to resist putting a death grip on the rope with the hand that is above your head, or you can literally end up upside down or sideways while on the rope. You have the trust your hand behind you you’ve placed on the small of your back as the “brake”. But you have to go off the wall probably five or six times before you really learn to trust it.

That sensation of “falling” is EXACTLY what I am feeling when I attempt to spiritually “let go” with these messy things.

Do I believe in the last two years that I have become more spiritually grounded? Yeah, I do.

Have I learned to accept the feeling of falling and spiritually “trust the rope”? Not quite yet.

I have a intuitive sense that the only way you spiritually learn to trust your “grounding” and not get worked up by the feeling of falling is to continue to let go, and let the confidence come in its own time, as the rope holds you time and time again. You have to resist putting a white knuckled death grip on the rope with your upper hand so as not to let it turn you sideways or upside down and become panicked or disoriented.

I have to let this all play out, and I'm not happy about it. But I am still going to have to close my eyes, grit my teeth, let go, and trust the rope.

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Kirksville, Missouri, United States
I'm a longtime area resident of that quirky and wonderful place called Kirksville, MO and am wondering what God has hiding round the next corner in my life.

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