Kirkepiscatoid

9 comments:

Revd. Neal Terry said... February 23, 2009 at 7:37:00 AM CST  

Something triangular? The most dreadful sermons I have ever heard all seem to have three points.

Muthah+ said... February 23, 2009 at 11:59:00 AM CST  

I have a friend who said that
Sermons have three points
Homilies have one point and the Homilette has no point whatsoever.

Perhaps a small box of "Homilettes" (like Raisinettes)since so many of our Episcopal sermons are homilettes!

Kirkepiscatoid said... February 23, 2009 at 12:19:00 PM CST  

"Homilettes" would be really good for times like Ash Wednesday or baptisms when you don't want to drag church out b/c of the "extra" activity....

Fran said... February 23, 2009 at 5:53:00 PM CST  

Damn you are good, really really good!

Anonymous said... February 23, 2009 at 10:29:00 PM CST  

Magnets! along the lines of "write a poem" magnets - several dozen small magnets, each with a religious word or common word. Shuffle it on your refrigerator door, voila, sermon!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnetic_Poetry

All you need is that flexible thin plastic sheet magnet material (one side in white), and a compatible transfer decal that can be printed by your computer's home printer, or taken to your local xerotype shop like Kinko's. Transfer, then cut apart with sturdy cutters (tin snips?).

If you don't feel like making one yourself, you can buy this one:
http://www.magpo.com/detail.asp?PRODUCT_ID=3131

NancyP

Elizabeth Kaeton said... February 24, 2009 at 12:43:00 PM CST  

Oh, man. I love NancyP's idea. Then again, I love your two ideas, Kirke. What fun. What a lucky friend to have you for a friend.

Kirkepiscatoid said... February 24, 2009 at 1:04:00 PM CST  

Yes, Nancy's is excellent, particularly because I can "tailor the words" to match the words the recipient frequently uses!

Anonymous said... February 24, 2009 at 4:39:00 PM CST  

Every "Acme Sermon Helper" box should include an emergency first aid kit, something that the preacher can take with him into the pulpit for those rare occasions when, despite his best efforts, the congregation is not responding and the sermon needs immediate help.

Some suggestions for the contents of that kid would be:

1. A very large bottle of No-Doz or some other amphetamine to keep listeners' drooping eyelids from closing (personal recommendations: "Hells a burning!" or "Death's a knocking").

2. A very large bottle of Bromide for those occasions when the preacher is expounding rather liberal views, views which are making the more conservative listeners queasy (i.e., those who may be wondering what Rush would think). Tossing out a few bromides would be helpful in reassuring those folks. (recommendations: "Granny Pious' Sugar-coated Bromides" - although any standard brand of platitudes would do.)

3. An anthology of modern poetry. This is helpful when the preacher misspeaks or makes a silly factual error - and he beings to wonder if the congregation regards him as "intellectually challenged". To reassure them, he can open the book at random, read a poem, and reclaim the intellectual high ground. This works only with modern poetry. Anything else and the congregation will be able to understand the reading, and know that it has nothing to do with the rest of the sermon, or the text.

4. A canister of "tear gas" - well, not actually a canister. No one wants the congregation to run out the church vomiting. Perhaps, just an aerosol can of the stuff, whereby the concentration in the air can be controlled. Perhaps a can of "pepper spray" might be sufficient. This will be handy for those times when the congregation seems cold and distant. And any preacher who can make his listeners cry has won their hearts. Emotion is important. People need it. Without a good cry - a sympathetic respond to the suffering of others, the only emotion they will get from church attendance is one of self-righteousness.

Caution: Because the preacher will be the one dispensing the gas, he will be the first to cry. But this is an advantage, nothing, absolutely nothing, wins the heart of the congregation as seeing "their guy" crying in the pulpit.

Warning: In some jurisdictions, this gas may be illegal. In which case, the preacher might have to do it the old-fashioned way - with sad stories - dying children are good, as are loyal dogs, sinful children returning home to their mother's dead bed, etc.

5. A Bottle of Steroids along with a device to inject it. (Recommendation: Testosterone) This will be handy for those times when, e.g. on a hot humid summer morning, the congregations persists in falling asleep. The preacher can awaken them easily by self-inducing a 'Roid Rage, and by shouting, and screaming, and banging the Bible on the pulpit, condemning sin. They say fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, a little fear of the preacher might be helpful. And the volume of noise will surely keep them awake.

6. Apparatus to administer "shock therapy". This may conjure up images of huge electrical machines and the whole congregation "wired up". But the shock apparatus can be as simple as a large envelope that would easily fit in the first aid kit. Course, this is an extreme measure and should only be used when the attention of the congregation seems hopelessly lost. The preacher could take out the envelope, hold it up to view, and say in a very sad, disappointed voice, that he recently received a letter containing a very grave accusation about a member of the congregation, someone sitting there in church that morning and who is guilty of the most heinous sin - that he has reason to believe the accusation. He should now have captured their complete undivided attention, but if not, he might go on to mention a few words about "secret vices", or about "those who abuse children", or "those who disgracefully use farm animals". By the way, there is a hidden advantage in this, especially if the preacher wants to enjoy a little vacation from parish problems. All he has to do is to mention that God is ready to forgive the sinner, and that he himself will be available if that depraved sinner wants to come to him and confess. No one will be seen knocking on the vicarage door for at least a week.
____________

Sorry, got carried away. Sorry for wasting your time.

Kirkepiscatoid said... February 24, 2009 at 6:55:00 PM CST  

Oh, I think the pepper gas would certainly be effective, and as for your #6...I wonder what ever happened to those gizmos they wired the movie theaters with for the old Vincent Price movie, "The Tingler?"

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