Kirkepiscatoid

Aggggh.

This evening, I'm sorta "glumming." In a month and a half, I've had to terminate two employees. This has been more difficult than I realized, having never had to terminate any employees in my life up to now. In both instances, I had ample justification, and probably really let things "go" longer than I should have before finally doing the deed, but I don't think I was prepared for the mental twisting as I remember my own failures in these situations.

I also became hyper-aware of the fact that many people have stepped to the plate to give me a break over the years, and I am grateful. I tried to give both these people a break and it never worked out. Yet I find myself berating myself rather than getting back to the basics that they never lived up to the expectations of the job. I find myself feeling like some sort of Pez Dispenser of Old Testament wrath. I find myself with the odd feeling of not wishing either of these people ill, but realizing that in this situation, I leave it extremely hard for there to be any sort of reconciliation to it for now.

I am not in the habit of closing doors on purpose. Sometimes my anger gets the best of me, and doors get closed because of it, or other people close doors on me, but to deliberately close a door is something I tend to avoid. It's just an odd feeling, being the one who does the door-shutting on purpose.