Kirkepiscatoid: Go read this one if you get a chance

Go read this one if you get a chance

I just finished a wonderful recent read from Real Live Preacher. I found it useful because I have, as of late, been supportive of a good friend who is starting to live with and enjoy the fact that he is a person who simply is cut from different cloth. As a person myself who has spent a fair time alone and without a long term "significant other" in my life, I am a little further on the learning curve than my friend in this dept. although chronologically he is older than me.

I refer to this as being a "beyond 2SD person." These people are all interesting people and the typical profile is that they are straight, are certainly capable of loving/significant other-type relationships, and have a normal level of sex drive, but there is this little loner gene inside of them that makes constant relationship pairings more painful than not. It's not that they don't want the company of the opposite sex, just not CONSTANTLY. They are full of their own doubts and scars, and are probably traumatized in some hidden way, but otherwise they are very typical people in every other sense of the word. On occasion they get mislabeled as closet gays, but not always.

I am one of these people. I have always wondered if the apostle Paul was one of these people. (He gets a rep for being a closet homosexual, but I'm never sure he just wasn't "one of us".) My friend is finally coming to grips that he may well be one of these kind of people. It is a hard road for him, as he vacillates between joy in his newfound experience, and despair over the years he wasted in trying to patch together romantic alignments that never would work...because the women in his life wanted to be "married, kids, constant devotion to one another" and he wanted to be "a loner with occasional forays into companionship."

So what does this have to do with RLP's post? This guy's married, has a relatively ordinary family life. It's the line he repeats over and over that struck me....

"Whatever that says about me is true."

That's the ticket. Our choices, how we live, how we react, how we interact--say more about the truths within ourselves than who we hope to be, who we want to be, how we hope others see us, and yes, how we want God to work within us.

God made us the way we are--yes, even us "2SD people"--because there was something about the way we are that He felt that He could best use to show Himself in the world. Instead of wishing we were someone else, we need to remember that the "true us" has beauty and strength all its own.

Yeah, we're imperfect. Imperfect as Hell, in fact. Pains in the ass at times. And sometimes, we "2SD folks" chafe under the weight of our own differences in a sea of "ordinary." We say, "Why me?" or worse yet, "What's wrong with me?" We fall in the trap of letting others define us. We can be a morose little race of humans because of it. But we can also be purity and truth if we only step into our own shoes.

10 comments:

Fran said... July 14, 2008 at 1:13:00 PM CDT: In the name of full disclosure, while I loved Real Live Preacher's (wow what a great blog name!)post, I think I love yours more.

And whatever that says about me is true...

There is a lot of wisdom over there but here as well.

The whole cut from a different cloth idea really resonated with me. I did not get married until I was 49 (a year ago) and I would hardly call us a "typical" couple. We are both very much together, but yet very independent in many ways. One can't live alone for as long as I did and not require some spaciousness of heart.

This will be the second time that I use this today and I have no idea if I am correct of if this is anecdotal in my own mind. (and whatever that says about me is true!)

I believe I heard it from a rabbi, that there is a midrash about how at creation, God broke an enormous mirror into zillions of shards.

Each one of us is a broken shard. As we all understand who and what we are, our "piece" of it all and come together, the mirror is restored, reflecting all the glory of God.
Wormwood's Doxy said... July 14, 2008 at 2:23:00 PM CDT: Ha! I've started my next blog post on that same thing from RLP. Great minds, and all that...

Kirk--have you ever given any thought to whether your "2SD people" are just very strong introverts?

Cheers,
Doxy
Ruth Hull Chatlien said... July 14, 2008 at 2:26:00 PM CDT: I clicked over here from Episogranny's, and I appreciate your honesty. And I loved your closing words: "We fall in the trap of letting others define us. We can be a morose little race of humans because of it. But we can also be purity and truth if we only step into our own shoes."
Kirkepiscatoid said... July 14, 2008 at 3:11:00 PM CDT: Well, spiritual bloggers may well be a "beyond 2SD" group all their own. One could argue it's very weird to have a spiritual blog!

Doxy, you are right about the great minds...also good theory. I think you are at least partially right about the introverts. My friend is very much an introvert, albeit a "congenial" one. I am a real split on personality tests: 55% Extrovert (ESTP) and 45% introvert (INFJ). On "bad mood days" the percentages flip-flop and I am dominant INFJ with a shadow ESTP. But I think you are onto something with the strong introverted characteristics thing.
Wormwood's Doxy said... July 14, 2008 at 4:18:00 PM CDT: I just thought to ask because the Introvert/Extrovert thing has played a huge role in my relationships...

My ex sounds very similar to your 2SD. I always suspected that being married and having children had not been the wonderful experience for him that he thought it would be. He required a great deal of solitude, and was rarely, if ever, able to give me what I needed in terms of interaction. He was always exhausted after a day at work and had no energy for me, and very little for the kids.

In theory, of course, any pairing of Is and Es can work---as long as Es are willing to give Is their necessary alone-time, and Is are willing to give Es the interaction they crave in return.

But, unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work very well, IRL. Many Es experience an I's need for solitude as a rejection, and many Is experience an E's need for interaction with others as exhausting.

Since I learned Myers-Briggs, it's been a lot easier for me to deal with being involved with an I. Dear Friend is an I, but he appreciates my willingness to give him space when he needs it, and gives me what I need in return.

That is NOT to suggest that "if you just found the right person, everything would be fine!" I hope I don't come across as suggesting that.

My point was simply that knowledge of how people get their energy is an important piece of understanding how to relate to them. I wish someone had taught me that when I was young!

Cheers,
Doxy
Kirkepiscatoid said... July 14, 2008 at 4:58:00 PM CDT: "That is NOT to suggest that "if you just found the right person, everything would be fine!" I hope I don't come across as suggesting that."

Not at all. That's not to say that these odd people don't find their match, either, but we are talking about a horrendously small pool of people, and the odds are much higher of them finding the "wrong" person for the "wrong" reasons and being miserable than it is for finding the "right" person.

That was a major issue with my friend. For years he has been on this continuous string of "bad relationships" under the delusion that "he needed a romantic or at least quasi-romantic relationship" in order to be "happy", "normal", whatever.

What he's discovering is he can have intensely personal friendships with multiple people which are more satisfying to his "core being" than he ever did with these so-called romantic pairings. This prospect often empowers and scares him simultaneously. I joke it's my job to go, "Yeah? So? And this is problematic? Nah!"

But the fact is clear, he needs a lot of "alone time" and in the traditional pairings of people, that is often not well received and can be perceived as rejection in E's and indifference in certain brands of I's. Oh, it's just all so interesting!
Wormwood's Doxy said... July 14, 2008 at 5:26:00 PM CDT: The REAL mystery is that there are ever any successful relationships! ;-)
Jane R said... July 14, 2008 at 7:48:00 PM CDT: Much to ponder here. As somebody who has been solo for years, I am going to think about this. I'm not sure it's an I vs. E thing - I used to be a rather strong extrovert, but have moved on the Myers-Briggs to somewhere in the middle (grad school did it to me, among other things - I think). This reminds me of a conversation we had on Paul (the BB, not Paul A.)'s blog and somewhere else, re: those of us who are not in couples but have very strong friendships that don't fit the categories for whatever reason.

I'll be back. Thanks for this.
Anonymous said... July 15, 2008 at 2:56:00 PM CDT: What makes you think these people are typically straight?
Kirkepiscatoid said... July 15, 2008 at 6:23:00 PM CDT: Lindy, because most of the GLBT people I've known over the years are FAR more normal than me when it comes to that house/two car garage/suburbs/neat yard sort of life! But I would be willing to be educated....