Kirkepiscatoid: Some days are just more lonesome than others, you know?

Some days are just more lonesome than others, you know?

Well, gee whiz, this makes two holidays in a row where I am feeling a little on the lonesome side of life. Part of it is because I am on call (just as I was on the July 4th holiday) and it keeps me from going much of anywhere. Also, some of it is it hasn't been a good week for M., my friend with dementia. He has been a little wound up about his confusion; can't blame him there. Unlike Alzheimer's type dementia, he KNOWS what is going on and it hurts him like hell.

Truthfully, I have been grieving the last few days "the loss of M. as I once knew him." He was my weekend companion for golf, TV sports, suppers, beers for many years. He was my best colleague at work. I miss that guy. I ended up taking care of him because there was no one in the area to do it. I could not abandon him. But on my lonesome days, I realize my close relationship with him and my caretaking of him kept me from pursuing my own opportunities for long term life partners. There are days I am very sad about all of it. Today is one of those days.

Oh, I know I'll get past it. I don't stay in these kind of moods for long. But I also know that I am picky as hell in my older middle age, and spiritually at a different place than I used to be, so the ways I tried to relieve "relationship boredom" are just not applicable anymore. Is there a person out there for me? Oh, hell, who knows. I have never been an attractive first impression. I am too salty, too blunt, and not horribly gifted in the feminine charms and wiles. But once a fellow gets past all my cyclone fence and barbed wire, he finds a very loyal and giving and honest person.

I have so many great relationships in my life. It's just that none of them are of the significant other type, and I am pretty impatient about pretense, the dating game, etc. I am set in my ways and I know it.

But today, yeah, I have an attack of the lonesomes. It is simply the price of admission for being a person of intense feelings!

3 comments:

Fran said... August 30, 2008 at 6:39:00 PM CDT: ((((kirkepiscatoid)))

I am glad that you could write about this here.

Peace my sister.
Ruth Hull Chatlien said... August 30, 2008 at 7:05:00 PM CDT: I'm sorry about M. My dad had Alzheimer's, so I understand about grieving the loss of the person you once knew.

Thanks for sharing your feelings. I wish I could do more to help with the loneliness, but please know that I have appreciated starting to get to know you through this blog.
Kirkepiscatoid said... August 30, 2008 at 8:52:00 PM CDT: Ahhhhh. It happens about 15 days out of 365 so really, I am not complaining. And it's funny how little things can start to turn it around. My cousin J. called, wanted me to help him with some detailing he's doing on his car. I have posted about J. He is 17 years younger than me. His wife is working the holiday shift (LPN, she needs the time and a half b/c Christmas is coming and they also have that custody case over J.'s two other children pending.

I have talked about him before. I am proud of him b/c he took a bad situation and turned it around as a successful drug court graduate.

He had no clue I was in the dumps but I jumped on the chance to help him work on his car and babysit their two year old simultaneously.

I had not uttered a peep about my dumpy day but he started talking about how he was looking back himself and realizing how different HIS life was, and he looks at me while we are putting a pinstripe on his car and says, "And part of it, cuz, is because you are my heroine; you're the amazon woman that protects all of us and, yeah, my life is better b/c I got my shit together, but it was easier knowing you were always there for me!"

...and this is why I can never stay in that lonely place for long. God has a habit of pointing out to us, "Yeah, you don't get everything you want, but if you'd just open your eyes a little, it's pretty good."