Kirkepiscatoid

Today’s readings focus on the concept of “How we pray says what we believe about God, about life itself, and about ourselves.” She also talks about how as we grow spiritually, our prayer life “evolves.” When we are children, we “say our prayers.” As we become adults, we “go to prayer.” But when we begin to see prayer as the undergirding of life, and the pulse of the universe, we BECOME a prayer.

Reflection questions:

1. Contemplate your prayer life. When do you pray? How often do you pray? How do you pray? What do you pray for?

Although I realize I have “set times” for more traditional forms of prayer (early a.m. and just before bedtime) I am starting to realize there are moments in my day that ARE praying and I didn’t realize I was doing it till I notice I just DID it. So, I think I am sort of in the evolution process between “going to prayer” and “becoming a prayer.” I pray in the traditional sense, I pray by holding holy objects in my hands, sometimes I pray by just sitting still and being.

These days I pray less and less “for” stuff. I don’t like the idea of God as a celestial Coke machine where you put your prayer quarters in, and out comes a Coke, just as you ordered. I think that is part of my prayer life evolution too. Children pray FOR stuff. We’re back to the fact I crave an adult relationship with God, not a sugar daddy.

2. Are you happy with your prayer life? If so, what is the ground of your happiness? If not, what changes could you make to your daily routines and practices in order for prayer to become a more central part of your life?

I’m mostly happy but could be better. I am learning! I’m on the learning curve here, and I think maybe I just have the usual frustrations of being on the learning curve!

The “ground of my happiness” is mostly just the feeling of being near God. Even if I don’t always feel I’m “right there” with him (that is a very rare feeling) I feel “close enough” that it is comforting.

3. With respect to prayer, imagine what it would be like to “grow into a heart without words.”

Really, there’s not much to imagine. I think I am actually doing it! But it’s like a lot of things we grow into, we don’t always feel the “growth” unless we have a “growth spurt” or a significant experience in the middle of it. Most of what I see is when I look through the “retrospectoscope” and see things have changed for me. I see I am thinking of things in a different way than a couple of years ago. I see the depth and the breadth of my relationships changing. I see my own ability to face difficult truths changing.

For many years, people have told me I “have a big heart but don’t always show it or give it away.” That big heart has always been there—God has entrusted it to me—but I don’t think I have ever started to really, REALLY grow into it until recently. The “bigness” of it seemed like a big void I could not fill with myself without it sucking myself dry. One thing that has helped me there is seeing the big hearts of others, and how some of the people in my life can unabashedly give of their big hearts. It makes me (a little more) unafraid to at least try!

I must admit one thing, though. I’m a little afraid of how “big” this big heart of mine might be. I’m a little afraid of its ability to break open. This journey takes more courage than I care to admit, or share with most people. It takes me to the edge of what I traditionally see as “courageous vs. chicken,” “brave vs. wuss,” “strong vs. weak” and “confident vs. humble.” It turns my edges all around. What I used to see as “hard” boundaries are not so hard anymore. These boundaries are softer and that bothers me, truthfully. To grow into a heart without words means I have to “tear down those walls” and I am, at times, afraid to see what is back there.