Kirkepiscatoid

In a recent post, Renz of Renz in the Woods accepted a challenge to himself, and enlisted my help, since he pegged me as "another secular monastic" on Facebook. Well, I generally do what my friends ask of me!

I have to start, though, with the confession that it took me about two years to accept that I even remotely resemble any kind of "monastic." It took a combination of realizing I enjoy work around my church as a form of worship, reading the book "The Cloister Walk," and about 4 friends all expressing not in the presence of each other that I had various "monastic tendencies." But I still could not connect to it in any great manner b/c the one thing I knew that made me feel "not monastic" was that I did not pray all of the Daily Office or the Liturgy of the Hours or any sort of attempt at "prayer throughout the day." It was not until Renz threw the phrase "secular monastic" out for my scrutiny that I could finally go, "Well...ok. I guess I AM a secular monastic." (Then quickly added to myself, "but I'm not a monastic monastic.")

So, with that intro, if you look at Renz' posts he makes four points in his explanation of a secular monastic. I'll stick to his framework for consistency's sake for my version.

Point 1: Solitude
For the last 22 years of my life, in two different towns, I have lived several miles out in the country and "worked in town", as we say in these parts. In my present locale, I am essentially embedded in 35 acres of pasture. I live alone with two dogs, two donkeys, a mule, and "someone else's horse." There have been times I was home sick, that, other than my letter carrier or the UPS driver, no one has come to the house. I am a bit of a "hoarder of eclectic stuff" and use the clutter in my house as an excuse to keep people out, not "entertain." Although, unlike Renz, I do have TV and Dish Network, and a nice (but 15 year old) stereo, like him I have "too many books and too many CDs."

This is going to sound funny because in a social setting there is no doubt I enjoy conversation, but I also value being able to be silent for hours. Although, when I'm indoors, there is often either the TV or the radio or music on CD's or my iPod going, I enjoy the wall of silence I can create in myself. In fact, when I blog, I REALLY like being silent. I like forcing my fingers to do the work that I either can't or won't vocalize in real life.

I enjoy taking vacations and staying home rather than "going somewhere". It's not like I have never gone anywhere, I have been to 49 states and 5 foreign countries, and once in a while I do enjoy a trip for a vacation. I prefer taking the train or driving over flying, and enjoy the luxury of "taking my time" to get there. I have my sacred spot in the yard, and I like to sit out in it, with or whithout my laptop, even when it is a little too hot or cold for most people. I just like to "sit and be" in that place, hear the wind, the animal noises, feel the sun or the wind on me, and at night, fire up my chiminea and watch the moon and stars.

Point 2: Simplicity
Despite the hoarding tendencies, I live far below my means. I enjoy buying things at consignment auctions. I don't dress flashy. I am graying and I don't care WHAT people think abut that. I drive a seven year old truck with 100k plus miles. I always try to patch up or fix up something before I give up and get a new one. I buy staple foods in bulk. I have a freezer full of meat that I know exactly where it came from, right down to the pasture it was on. I prefer local, home grown foods and cooking from scratch.

I have a tendency to be the last one to turn on either the heat or the A/C, and prefer open windows and breezes. I don't rely on gasoline powered tools (but I will confess liking to use a chainsaw now and then.) I shovel the church walks with a shovel instead of a snow blower. But my carbon footprint is pretty small compared to a lot of people. I live in "less house" than most people these days.

Some day, I'm going on a "decluttering" mission. I do this about once every 10 years. I think I will use the excuse of remodeling the house. I get rid of a lot of the stuff I've hoarded from my pack rat tendencies, start over in a sense. Some day, I want to build a "greener" house on my property. But it will still be "less house" than most people would be satisfied with.

Point 3: Celibacy
Well, I will start by saying I might have more internal struggle than Renz about this, although a lot of what he says rings absolutely true with me, too. There was a time when I was making some incredibly bad decisions on how to channel my sexual energies. There was a point in relationships that I just figured, "Ok, we have kind of reached the point where we are supposed to be doing it, so I guess I will, and enjoy it for what it is," and that's what happened. I did not give a lot of consideration to the big picture of this, that it is a giving of one's self that reaches deeper sometimes than the level of the relationship I was in, and that created conflict I did not expect.

The problem was (and still is, and probably always will be) that I am a high-energy person. That includes sexual energy. So in some ways, my celibacy is not something I have totally accepted. I think I tend to be a little like St. Augustine and St. Jerome. That energy does and will always cause some degree of conflict and the lack of being able to disspate it in the "usual manner" causes consternation and loneliness some days. There is a part of me that will always long for sexual release in "the usual manner."

But I also realize that part of why I have the time to do a lot of the things I do is because I am not exerting energy on that whole "dating/romance/romantic relationships" schtick. I'll be honest, I always hated dating, because I really fear that moment when you are going with someone and they start in on the "why don't you...(fill in the blank)...you'd be so much more attractive if you did," schtick. It can range from wearing a certain cosmetic product, or coloring my hair or wearing something I don't normally wear. That is when I went "full stop/full speed backwards." That moment is so betraying to me. It screams, "YOU DON'T LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM, AS IS, and I am NOT going to give up pieces of myself for superficial bullshit" and I run from it. There's just too much rejection with dating, and I don't need to be diving into the rejection pit all the time.

I fear that so much, I just decided, "You know, I'm not saying I will never have a complete soul mate," but I think if I did, it will be someone who for some time will interact with me on many different levels, and over time we more or less grew into a deep realization that we really ARE soul mates, that there is a growing sense of total companionship, and a sense of completeness in each other's company that does not demand change of anything in either the inner core of our beings. This may never happen. That's okay too. I am happy as I am now, not having to worry about that business of aiming for romance, aiming for sex, and having to "fit" to get it. I have plenty of love to give in a lot of ways, and I am learning to feel the energies of that love coming back to me in ways I never imagined. I have learned to de-couple "sensual" from "sex". We ruined the world "sensual". It is so much bigger than just sex. I'm trying to take that word back.

Point 4: Prayer
That was my last hang-up about admitting I was a secular monastic. I figured since I don't have a day-long cycle of prayer, I don't qualify as "monastic." But I have, in the last two years, developed some practices of spiritual discipline, like my working backwards through the Psalms, my present project of working through the last ten chapters of Isaiah, my "seasonal projects" like Advent and Lent. I read, I reflect, I write and blog. That is a form of prayer, I decided.

I work on "fixit" projects and maintenance projects at church. That is a form of prayer. I spend time in my sacred spot in the yard. That is a form of prayer.

I am blessed in that I have "clergy friends." I am able to interact with them on a different level than I am used to interacting with clergy. Sometimes it is hard, b/c you are not sure "which hat" each is wearing in the conversation, but overall, this softening of boundaries is good for me, because I realize that for me to grow in my own spirituality, I need a certain degree of bonding with those who made it their life's work. I sort of chuckle at my Facebook friends...there are a lot more of them wearing collars than I like to admit! It's kind of embarrassing to admit, "Yeah, I have a lot of clergy friends strung all over the country," but it is also kind of nice. I also realize it is good for them, too, in odd ways. So that is all good.

I like my life overall most days, love it intensely some others, and have bad days in it like everyone else. But I am so grateful to be able to disengage myself from some aspects of "the world" and "our culture" and am growing into the notion that this "fits" me in a way I never allowed myself to believe. It is in some ways, a submission to God that he made me a quirky and unusual person for a good reason, and I am learning to accept there is a covenantal power in that.