Kirkepiscatoid

Some days, a person needs a "reminder of the value of mindfulness."

I had one of those days at work that started out slow but put me square in the face of "Mr. Disappointment" by the end of the day. We were having an unseasonably good day, weather-wise--51 degrees in Kirksville at the end of December is definitely a rarity--and work was seeming to be slow enough to allow myself the luxury of taking a walk with a friend at Thousand Hills state park at 3:30. I was looking out the window, smiling at the sunshine, thinking, "I'm going to get out and enjoy this." It was a light day, case-wise, and the only thing I had to stick around for was waiting on one case that would need a frozen section, scheduled for 2:30.

For the un-initiated, a "frozen section" is a quick way to determine either a preliminary diagnosis on an unknown lesion, or margins of something being excised in the OR. I won't go into the technical details but the basic premise is on a "need to know" basis so the surgeons know what next to do for the patient. It is not as good a quality look as the things we put in for permanent sections, but the basic idea is that the information the pathologist gives helps guide the surgeon's hand at a time the surgeon wants to do as definitive a procedure as possible while the patient is still on the table.

Well, that's when Mr. Disappointment showed up.

The 2:30 case was delayed until almost 4:00 because the patient was delayed in Radiology. Radiology was backed up, and things just did not happen by the schedule. By the time I got my specimen, it was already getting dark. I did not get the last bit of the case until 5:00, did not get out of the office till 5:30.

Don't get me wrong; that's the breaks of my line of work. The patient's needs must supercede my wants. But it still didn't mean I wasn't disappointed. I always feel bad about this scenario. I am fine with accepting my responsibilities, but I always feel bad about putting my friends on a "leash". I am grateful this friend has no issues with my job-related problems in this regard. But that still doesn't stop me from feeling bad about it...and I really WANTED to go play in the sunshine!

So, I am driving home, feeling edgy about having to feed my equines in the dark. I do not like "throwing hay" in the dark in the winter. The calmest animals will spook and do goofy things in the dark. There have been plenty of stories in my life of farmers and ranchers who accidently got a kick in the head in the dark, when they could not see it coming. So I am always very careful feeding in the dark. I was grouchy that I had missed my walk. I was grouchy that I had to put my friend off, even if we were good with it.

I got home and fed the equines with no incident. Then, when I was walking back to the house from the barn, I looked up at the sky. I wish I could have taken a picture of this but I will try to describe it. At the horizon it was deep purple and the sky above was getting black. Right at the horizon there were two planets (maybe Mars and Jupiter.) Up higher, the moon was just a sliver, running from like 2 o’clock to 7 o’clock. At about 10 o’clock was Venus, shining brightly. I had to stop and look at it for a while. It was this peaceful mix of purple, black, and white. I realized, had I not had to come home late, had I not had to stay for that case, I would not have gotten to see that.

In that moment, I realized I am thankful.

I am thankful that I have important work that helps people even if they are asleep on the OR table and don’t even know I am helping them and my duties sometimes mean putting them ahead of me.

I am thankful I have understanding friends, who help me bear my own disappointment with myself and my slowness in gaining wisdom sometimes.

I am thankful for the mindfulness that allowed me to see a magic moment, meant just for me, that became a healing moment.

Thanks be to God for gentle reminders of holiness that creep out from the fringes of our disappointment.