Kirkepiscatoid

Ok, I am starting in on another book. This one is "Finding the Monk Within; Great Monastic Values for Today," by Edward C. Sellner.

I will put one caveat on this book: If you are looking for "Feel good Christianity," keep on walkin'. This is a heavy book that should have a "Children do not attempt this at home," label on it. But if you are looking for a book that will challenge you, make you go "I'm nothing like this guy/oh, my God, I am just like this guy in THIS way, how do I use this in MY faith?" it is an excellent read.

Really, this is a collection of "short biographies of famous monks" with an analysis of their life and values. Why read a book about monks from the 4th to the 12th centuries when we live in the 21st? Well, what you will find is that although cultures change, human nature stays the same, and the hopes, dreams, and torments of these individuals are not all that different from our own. Sellner promotes the idea of the "new monastic individual," the idea that modern Christians, now more than ever, need to realize that spiritual values such as reflective prayer and contemplation, often "go against the grain" of modern society.

But the first of the chapters that stopped me dead in my tracks to pour over, read and study was the one on St. Augustine.

I can’t believe I never hooked up with this guy’s life, or bothered to “get” what he was all about....up until this chapter, I always was like “Yeah, ok. Augustine. He used to be a horn-dog and then he got converted and it was all Love love love. Ok, fine.”

Reading about Augustine’s life and personality really hooked me and “my fire” in a way I did not expect. So much so, it kind of wracked my chest. I think it was because I could understand “what he was looking for” and how it must have tormented him so.

This guy had a HUGE desire to grab, taste, eat and be a part of so many things in life. I think he was driven by wanting to “be one with everything,” to feel himself melt away into the things that drove his passion. So much of his monastic life was struggling with disciplining this passion. Oh, wow, that is something I can definitely identify with.

Now, granted, he was quite a bit more heavily into debauchery than me, but he had that one lover for like 13 years as a young man, and he appears to be incredibly faithful to her and the only problem was the culture of the day did not really allow him to recognize that this woman was truly his friend and soulmate. The thought at the time was that only men could be the truest of friends.

He identifies the relationship as “lustful” but when you look at his writings, there is real fidelity in how he felt about her, yet he never married her, and I think some of that could have been very similar to my own desire not to be “owned”. I get the feeling he felt that marrying this woman would have dampened all his other passions for reading and astronomy and philosophy. I get the feeling part of his 13 year attraction to this woman was that he was very drawn to the idea that neither of them “owned” each other and so this drove their desire for each other. You know, like if he had married her, it would dampen the passion of it all. Who knows, maybe she was married to someone else, technically. We don’t know that much about her. But his heart was broken when they finally split up.

When Augustine decided to live as a monastic, he was still having a lot of issues with his um, "carnal urges." He did get a bit extreme, thinking the way for him to have these urges abate was to roll naked in a briar patch. OW!

But I could feel Augustine’s pain. I know what it is like to feel the true wonderment of “will I ever be able to give of myself in a way that I feel complete union with those closest to me, and how do I accomplish this when I am always beating down the flames of my various passions?” (and I don’t just mean erotic passions here—I mean any/ALL of them!) Being a "fire" person myself, I can understand that level of acute pain to some degree.

Although this is not always evident at the surface on me, there are all kinds of things that hook a deep, passionate part of my fire, and maybe that all rolled together is part of why I work so hard and struggle so deeply at times to understand and feel complete union with God. I have compartmentalized things so badly, “complete union” in anything remains mostly elusive--at best, I get glimpses.

Augustine really really tried to develop true friendships. I certainly understand that! But he seemed to have taken it to a level that is still mostly hidden for me. Again, I get glimpses. He had several very close friends in Carthage, which he described as “intimate friends” In Volume IV of his Confessions, he writes about what having a good friend is all about...

“... to talk and laugh and do kindnesses to each other; to read pleasant books together; to make jokes together and then talk seriously together; ... to be sometimes teaching and sometimes learning .... These and other similar expressions of feeling, which proceed from the hearts of those who love and are loved in return, and are revealed in the face, the voice, the eyes, and in a thousand charming ways, were like a kindling fire to melt our souls together and out of many to make us one.” (Augustine used fire images to describe his friendships a lot. I can identify with that, too!)

I was thinking about that this Sunday in Prayers of the People. “Father we pray for your holy catholic church; that we all may be one.” This Sunday was the FIRST time I ever really heard the words “that we all may be one,” and actually moved beyond this disgusting la-la image of the old Coca-Cola commercial where everyone is singing “We are the world." I never thought of that line until Sunday in any way except in that roll-your-eyes "Let's all sit in a circle and sing Kum by Ya" way.

He connected these moments to our relationship with God. He thought true and real friendship was “... the welding together of two souls who seek the same goal; ...two hearts united by the holy spirit who is God.” He saw true friendship as a bridge between the earthly and the divine. It is interesting that the Latin word for friend is amicus; the root is amor. It really speaks that there is a component of real love in friendship.

The one bugaboo with Augustine is he never quite knew what to do with his eros. He tended to think of it in very polarized terms, essentially as a demon. The hell of it is, his eros is probably what made him able to have his intimate friendships...it’s just, in my mind, eros with a different outlet. It is like the old saying, “Be careful you cast out your demons lest you cast out the best part of you.” Hell, I struggle with that! I struggle with my own fire--that business of knowing you can either heat the house with it, or get stupid and burn the house down with you in it. So I guess Augustine’s struggle there hooks me, too.

Sellner (the author) throws in some Jungian stuff about fire:

“For, according to Jung, fire is a symbol of transformation and of eros, that powerful yearning within humankind for wholeness, freedom, wisdom. This "fire" is a spiritual force, a passion or enthusiasm for what and whom we love deeply that ultimately leads us beyond ourselves as well as to the deeper Self that lies within. While Augustine intellectually could and did acknowledge the spiritual side of that "flame," it is precisely the bodily aspect of eros which caused him so much anguish, personally and theologically. Personally, he struggled with a passionate nature that had difficultly in accepting limitations of any kind -- whether sexual longings or limits on work. “

(Hmmmm...."difficulty in accepting limitations of any kind..." I plead the 5th!)

Something else Sellner said about Augustine hooked me....he writes, “it is intriguing to note that whenever Augustine in his Confessions uses the imagery of fire, the image of the heart is in close proximity. That is where Augustine finally locates friendship, for, according to him, friendship is simply sharing the counsels of the heart.”

Well, now you see why I had to read the chapter on Augustine four times over the weekend before I could write a word! I struggle with my own fire--daily. Sometimes hourly. I never quite know "what to do with my fire." I never quite know how to be "more efficient" with the stuff my fire generates. Reading Augustine's centuries old writings and viewpoints make me realize some of the concepts are as old as antiquity...this is not a "new" problem among fiery people.

Learning to love like this guy did is definitely a challenge, and backing down from challenges is not my strong suit...