Kirkepiscatoid

Today’s readings are about “being a contemplative.” Not DOING contemplative stuff, but BEING one. She writes, “The contemplative is the seeker who can go down into the self, down the tunnel of emptiness, and, finding nothing but God in the center, call that Everything.” She talks about this way being able to see God in everything, everyone, and everywhere.

Reflection questions:

1. Mediate on whether you feel called to silence.

I don’t feel “called to silence” for any long periods of time, but because so much of my job and life involves talking and being heard, sometimes I like to take a Saturday and make a “silent Saturday morning” out of it. Now, this is way easier to do living alone; I’m not sure how one would do this with other people in the house. But I basically don’t answer the phone unless my caller ID says it’s someone who I’d better respond to right away, or I let the voice mail pick up to see who it is. I probably do that once every couple of months. I find it interesting because in those “silent Saturday mornings” it is not like my mind goes incommunicado. Quite the opposite. My mind races with thoughts and I almost feel like I’ll burst at times from the expression that springs out of my mind.

2. Are you weary of the needs and delusions of the self? If so, what can you do about it? If not, do you think self-emptying is a good idea? Why or why not?

This is a very interesting question because simply by serendipity, my daily meditation on the Psalms that I do before I do this took me to a place where I was talking about verbal confession being a form of “self-emptying.” Something I am learning as I spend more quiet time with God is that delusions of self are very high-maintenance and as I feel less compelled to feed them I recognize the cost of maintaining them. The biggest one for me is having to be “the emotionally strongest one in the room.” Now, generally, without even trying, I AM the emotionally strongest one in the room; but historically, when I’m not, I could never let that show. I had a huge fear of exposing my humanity. I think this comes from having my humanity exploited by family members when they behaved in a dysfunctional manner. I am working on not having to maintain that delusion when it is not needed. Sure, sometimes you have to protect yourself, but not ALL the time.

I think self-emptying, whether verbally through confessing one’s issues to God, or whether just sitting quietly and letting them drain from you in God’s presence like the outflow of a septic tank are both good. What I notice is they have a similar outcome but a different feeling. When I am verbally confessing, it’s more like things got to a point where the septic tank had a clog in the outflow pipe and the clog was Roto-Rooted and all the toxic crap in my soul just pours out. It’s more dramatic When I sit silently and empty myself in God’s presence, it feels more “normal and natural”, like the septic system is working correctly, and it is just running out as a natural course of “how it works.” Less drama, less trauma, more simple release.


3. Meditate on what, if any, ways you experience “the heart of God to beat” in your own heart. Describe the experience or the longing for the experience.

Being in the middle of nature always helps for me. I have tried being contemplative indoors, with candles, etc. and it is just simply not as good as being outdoors. It helps for me to be in a position where I am “small” in the middle of “vast.” It’s like I have to feel “small” to feel the “bigness” of God.

When I have to be indoors, holding religious objects helps. There is something about my tactile sense that can take me to another place if I close my eyes. I can flop down on the couch, close my eyes, holding something like a small crucifix or a rosary, that can create “vastness” for me in a different dimension. If I am praying about a specific person, I like having a picture of them in my hand and looking at their picture, when it’s possible. But when I am feeling close to God, it feels like a beam of heat and light and magnetism aimed straight at me in the middle of a cool vastness.