Kirkepiscatoid

Today’s readings are about the burden of the delusion of “perfection” and the paradox that it is precisely our IM-perfections that are “our claim to the best of the human condition”--that it is our vulnerability that entitles us to love.

Reflection questions:

1. Do you have a tendency towards perfectionism? If so, how does it affect your spiritual health?

Asking me, “Do you have a tendency towards perfectionism?” is like asking, “Do you breathe?”!!!!!!

It’s funny...there are some things in which I have no perfectionistic tendencies, but the two things where I can drive myself (and others) to distraction are with my job, and in my closer relationships. The problem is, that in both, a LITTLE bit of it is good and a LOT of it is detrimental. My “attention to the little details” can mean everything in a diagnosis, and it can also make those close to me feel I pay attention and listen to them in a way that makes them feel special.

But taken to excess, it can lead to those feelings of “I didn’t do enough/I didn’t do it right/I’m NOT enough.” That can be damaging spiritually because that is precisely the attitude that starts to get me to self-separate from God or hide from him.

2. In what ways might acknowledging imperfection and/or vulnerability help you to open yourself to others and receive their gifts of love? Meditate on the ways in which lack of self-sufficiency becomes a crucible for spiritual wisdom.

Being with my own vulnerabilities helps with the delusion that “I can take care of everything myself” is just that—a delusion. One of the hardest things for me literally and figuratively it to “let myself be held” with no expectation that I have to DO something to “earn it”. That even comes out in just the simple affection of the way I hug people. It is far FAR easier for me to grab onto my friends and “squeeze the stuffin’ out of ‘em” when I hug them than it is for me, when I feel sad or angry or upset, to let THEM hold onto me and for me to be the passive recipient of their affection, when they want to show me that they’re willing to care for and protect ME instead of vice versa.

I have thought about that—if that is so hard for me to do with humans even in a simple physical expression of care and affection, imagine how hard that is MENTALLY for me to do with people, and how hard it is to do with God, who would at times seem even more unapproachable!

My crucible is to develop the mental capacity to be able to stand still and “be held” by God. It is a chicken and egg issue for me. Do I learn to stand still and “be held” by God by learning to let others carry ME once in a while? Or do I try to let God hold me and see if it rubs off on people? Or both? This is still a process in progress for me....



3. Mediate on whether you feel most loved and accepted when you acknowledge your vulnerability and all it means or when you resist it.

This is still not in a stage for me where I have a complete answer. The question feels a little “loaded” for me. The implication is that you won’t feel loved and accepted when you resist your vulnerability. I’m not sure that is always true. I think sometimes (as a person who probably resists my vulnerability more than most) there are times I feel loved and accepted DESPITE my resistance. I also think at this point, when I choose to feel vulnerable, the sense of feeling exposed as a result of it can override my awareness of “feeling loved and accepted.”

I am still on the shallow end of the pool on this learning curve. I am still having to get used to allowing myself to feel vulnerable and not feel exposed. Right now I think there may only be about 4 or 5 people in which I feel okay enough about to test out “allowing my vulnerabilities to show through.” I was recently in a situation where I allowed myself to be more vulnerable and I ended having my vulnerabilities exploited because of someone’s own issues. She used my own feelings of vulnerability to assume I was enlisted in her agenda, which was an agenda I’d never have been on board with. I am still smarting a little from this experience. It doesn’t really promote me to be very eager in this pursuit. But the thing that is new for me is I still did not totally back off from this task, despite being hurt.

There will be a time, I think, when I can actually answer this question without my own fears of “exposure” being in the way, but right now, I am still getting used to “being exposed!”