Kirkepiscatoid

Today’s discussion revolves around “Developing a Benedictine spirituality.” She defines this as plunging into human relations that reveals the will of God, to call forth the best in us, and to be a source of support to others while at the same time taking measure of one’s personal responsibility. We are able to respond to “The God of the woods and highways, of gentle breeze and cataclysm, of privacy and crowds—however the Spirit comes.

Reflection questions:

1. List your key human relationships. In what ways do these relationships reveal the will of God in you, and call forth the best in you?

As I sort of go down the list of “my inner circle”, there are similarities and differences in my “role” with these people. But a commonality in how “the will of God is revealed in me” seems to be my ability to perceive a portion of each of their hearts that is not always apparent. Every one of these people, there is something I know about them that is part of their “inner” self—a part that does not come up in polite company—that hooks them into joy or angst, that can be a “sub-plot” in things that either go well or badly in their lives. My ability to reach out, to “be there when it matters” seems to be an important bond between their hearts and my hearts.

The commonality that seems to be “the best that gets called forth in me” is a quiet loyalty. Sure, I struggle with the part of me that “grabs onto problems by the neck and shakes them”--that “terrier attack mode” I can get into—but there is the flip side of being a “terrier” that is one of the best and truest parts of my personality. It’s the ability to simply emotionally “Lie by the door in the other room” when they are hurting—part guard, part companion. It’s my ability when they are lonesome and hurting to occasionally come back into the room and put my chin on their feet and quietly look up at them. I like to joke that “everything I learned about life, I learned from my dogs,” but in this instance, it’s pretty accurate!

2. In the last three things that bothered you, who did you blame and was it worth the emotional energy you gave it?

I almost always ultimately end up blaming myself, but not until I have created some “collateral damage” by flaring up. Even when I make it clear that the one I’m flaring up in front of, that is isn’t “their fault”, I am slowly starting to learn that this still can harm people inside. It’s not worth the energy and the cost of the collateral damage, but I still need to learn how to do this better, especially at work. I have to depend on a lot of people for my job to work correctly, and when things are not going well, I can get very aggravated at my inability to correct the problem. It is hard to explain to people, for instance, that patient info on surgical path specimen containers that is not correct eventually becomes MY responsibility. I ultimately have to take responsibility for one or more screwups beneath me in the process of how I get specimens. Part of this frustration is justified (good patient care and patient safety) but where my anger and irritation breaks down is that people responsible for the process are not going to care about the effect on me, so being upset that “they are sticking me with this problem” is not helpful. I have to learn how to get people to understand better that “this is not about me, this is about the patient.” That’s hard when it directly also reflects on you, and your reputation!

3. Mediate on some of the unexpected ways God came to life before you and been born within you. How might you make yourself more open to such experiences?

This is going to sound funny because I recently got teased about how I “don’t like surprises, even good ones”, but a lot of the unexpected ways that my God becomes a living God to me is through a “surprise event” where someone did something good for me and I was not even expecting it. I think back to when two of my church friends painted the sacristy porch without my asking them to do it, and I had come to church, planning to do it by myself in a slightly grumpy mood. Or maybe it is in the act of being given a little trinket or something that someone saw that “looked like it and I go together.” Or maybe it’s when I get together with a friend, and the friend tells me a joke that he/she has been saving up all day, or something that happened that was funny or something, just KNOWING it would make me laugh. I really like those moments!

Part of being more open to such moments, I think, is for, as hard as this is for me, to begin to give up a little bit of the white-knuckle grip I have on “Never mind, I’ll do it myself.” Historically, I am sooooo not in the mood to wait on others when I need to do something, and the something needs to get done, that I can steamroller people in the name of expediency. It’s not intentional, I just want to “get the damn thing finished!” I think part of how to get better at this is to realize just how “not that important” some of this stuff is.