Kirkepiscatoid

Oh, God. I looked at it for today earlier this morning (about 5 a.m.) and said Oh, SHIT!!!!!!! Then immediately put it down and paced the floor, saying "Oh, I have to think about this one."

Today's reflections are about the Benedictine monastic testimony about universal love being about celibacy and all the reflections are about gulp...celibacy. It is about the concept that celibacy says that God has absolute priority over us and is sufficient for us. Yet, the married, the single, and the monastic all still have the same call to "ultimate aloneness and ultimate union with God." The concept of "chaste love" stretches over all three, "love that does not exploit".

We did a book at our church book club, "Cloister Walk," by Kathleen Norris, where she hung out with monks for a spell and learned what sort of went on in their heads. I purposefully skipped the week we were going to talk about the chapters that covered sexuality and celibacy, mostly because I did not want to say in a group of people, "Uh, I am kind of in a celibate situation right now and it's not because I am trying to be, and I don't really want to discuss it with all you people who ARE getting some......and now on the 4th day of this thing, they jump straight over to (ack) celibacy....my nervousness about this makes me want to default into "crude and funny" and I have to behave....oh, sigh, here goes...

Here are the questions for reflection:

1. Contemplate the celibate life. Have you ever been drawn by the celibate life?

No, but I sure as hell have been tossed into it and have had to deal with it as a result, often against my own will. I am a very physical person, which means within the deepest parts of me resides an incredibly sexual being. There is a pleasure I get, as a physical person in the engaging of myself into all physical acts, the pleasure of losing yourself within a physical activity. There are some days it is INCREDIBLY frustrating not to be in a situation where I have an outlet for my sexual energy. It's like every other form of physical activity I choose to do--I can throw myself into it totally, and it becomes wonderful! When I was younger I was more consumed by this frustration and made some really stupid mistakes in that department, and learned that sex with people whom you simply like, but have no inclinations for them to be your life partner, although in the short term is certainly sexually satisfying, in the long term is incredibly hollow and an alienating experience...because eventually you find yourself wanting more from the relationship in the way of an emotional and spiritual connection...and suddenly you realize, "This was not part of the bargain when we started doing this together."

I think because I do lack that outlet in my life at present, I sort of "diffuse" it by throwing myself into other physical activities, many of them being ones that help others. I think I might try to wash out my need for sexual self-gratification by feeling the gratification of "doing for others." This sort of creeps me out b/c it is very, um...monastic...and I don't like that word "monastic" very much b/c it sounds so cloistered and out of touch with the world. But I have to confess that my more "monastic" side actually goes out into the world and helps others...but I kind of twist and turn when I admit this. I am still uncomfortable with being "monastic."

2. How would you draw the distinction between "love in human, rather than simply sexual" terms?

I would say that when we concentrate only on sexual union as the ultimate expression of love, we are blind to all the rest. There is something so self-satisfying about sex that, at least for me, it makes me "lazy" to look at love in other terms. When I have had a steady guy in my life, I find myself far less interested in other people. What I have discovered about the decade of my 40's is that others probably see me as an incredibly giving and loving person behind all the salt and flame and bluster that is on my surface. I think if I had a regular sexual outlet in my life, I might not be as willing to show my "soft squishy center."

I also have this amazing "living laboratory" in my life about some of this. I have a person in my life that I think I love more than I've ever loved any guy in my life, but he just happens to be gayer than Christmas. The wild part, is I can tell that he has this tremendous love for me. So there is just this huge sexual blank spot in our relationship. Yeah, I joke and occasionally fantasize about "What if he woke up one morning after being visited by the straight fairy" but I am so thankful for this relationship "as is" that I realize I have tremendous affection for this man but no sexual desire for him. Yet our body language is "closer" than just friends, we are very affectionate in terms of hand holding, hugs, kisses, and it lets me see what affection without sexual desire in the way is like. It is my glimpse into the fullness of what God's love must be like, and he and I have both talked about how our relationship with each other has brought each of us closer to understanding how God's love works. That's very cool!

3. If you affirmed "ultimate aloneness and ultimate union with God" as central to your life, how might it change your relationships?

Again, I think I have gotten a little glimpse of what this feels like just because I was sort of thrown into "unplanned celibacy." I realize that I like having more than one person at a more emotionally intimate level than "good friends" usually are. I find my heart can literally ache for those close to me, and that just did not happen in my 20s and 30s because "getting laid" was more of a priority. I was more worried about my groin aching than my heart!

I find that I am more sensitive to the needs of others in my present situation. I find it incredibly paradoxical that being "alone" draws me outward rather than inward. I also find this very uncomfortable some days because it makes me think "something's wrong with me." Why am I not kowtowing to the loud ticking of my biological clock? Why am I not rushing around trying to find a man before I become an old cranky spinster? Why do I not care for the most part, with the exception of my less-than-a-dozen-times-a-year very lonely moments?

I think some of it is that I recognize that I have an ability to spend time with God that I might not have in a marital setting, depending on the relationship. It's not that it couldn't happen, it would just be incredibly hard to find. I would not be able to give a lot of the time I give to others and take care of others in the way I do. It's not that I wouldn't consider this trade-off for the right person, but I like what I have enough not to willingly go chase this opportunity to trade.