Kirkepiscatoid

Today’s readings discuss “the posture of our soul” when we are “immersed in God.” She writes, “To be immersed in God implies an accommodation with life that is less than perfect, acceptance of a world that is not organized around my ego, satisfaction with a self that is not measured by its ascendancy over others.”

Reflection questions:

1. Describe the “posture of your soul before God.” In what way do you foster time for prayer and reflection, for meeting God in your own heart?

I try for my “posture” to be one of receptiveness. I do not want my relationship to God to be one of an obedient child and God as a doting daddy for the most part. I prefer to have an adult relationship with God, one where I am respectful of his position and of who he is, but at the same time, I can feel the dynamics of a relationship that “cuts both ways.” I want to believe it makes God feel good, also, when we are connected. If it’s all one way, it’s not much of a relationship. But when I try to “be with God” I try to do in in a spirit devoid of “expectations” (I don’t expect God to “make me feel good on command” or “distract me from my cares” or “entertain me” like you would a cranky child), and in a spirit of being aware and receptive to “whatever happens.”

I am learning the value of “sacred space” whether it is physical space, like my yard, or being alone at church, or whether the sacred space is in my head. I am not good at creating it in my head yet. I would like to become better at this. I am fairly tied to “physical” like how I can tie into God by holding things that seem holy to me.

2. Meditate on your soul’s needs at this time. What might you do to meet those needs that you are not already doing?

Wow. It’s hard to put a finger on “my soul’s needs.” I haven’t really thought about that...or maybe more accurately, “I don’t usually allow myself the luxury of fantasizing about what my soul’s needs really are.” I really hate it when my words come back and bite me in the ass. Just a couple days ago, I was telling a friend, “You need to fantasize more...imagine your life a few years down the road when you are retired, imagine winning Powerball, just see what realities pop out of your fantasies.” Ow, that kind of bite in the ass hurts!

There is something inside of me that is not ready to accept even wishing my soul’s needs for itself. I think that is another manifestation of something that a friend recently pointed out to me. It comes from being raised in a family where one’s deepest feelings could be used as an emotional weapon, a knife or club at the wrong moment...so I became afraid to share, even sometimes in the safest of environments. I think part of how to overcome that for me is to realize “my deepest needs” are not so strange or unique, perhaps they are universal in a lot of ways. Perhaps there could be a little comfort in that realization and maybe that is a way I could sit with it.

I can figure out a tiny bit. My soul needs a certain amount of solitude. Yet it also needs a certain level of connectivity with others. That dance is not easy, because I tend to be close to other people who crave solitude and getting all our “solitude schedules” and “connectivity schedules” to mesh is not easy! But I do know the connectivity I like, it has to be deep. The people whom I’m closest to, we have our own “unspoken language” and we have the ability to read cues in each other, and we have the level of trust in the relationship that we can work our way through the rough spots. This is not easy b/c it is rare for people who are not a “couple” to even come close to this level of emotional intimacy...yet I have close to a half dozen people in my world in which I feel this way! Wow, making all that “fit” can be tough! No wonder most people just settle on one partner to fulfill most of their emotional needs, “my way” is a helluva lot of work! (But damn, the rewards are good...and worth the price of admission!)

3. Do you have a soul mate or spiritual friend? If so in what way is she or he helpful in your spiritual life and you in theirs? If not, would you like one? What might you do to build such a relationship?

I have more than one, actually, (probably 3 or 4) and they all are helpful in their respective ways. Then I also have another 3 or 4 people that are just at “the next level out” where we can at least spiritually mesh at a certain level.

But the best thing about having “a spiritual friend” is simply having “a safe space to share” for the both of you. Sometimes what you want to share is not such a big deal. Sometimes what you want to share IS a big deal. But all that interchange can be done in a safe place emotionally. It’s nice to realize if you dropped dead, your spiritual friend would miss you in a way unlike the rest of the world. What is incredibly addicting about a spiritual friend is that “magic nanosecond”--it is a moment when you look at each other just a little longer, just a little more intently, hold that connection just a hair longer than a casual friend—and in that fleeting little nanosecond you recognize there is a real and true love between you that is deep and pure and mostly unspoken but often felt. This love comes because you hold the touchiest parts of each other’s souls in your hands now and then and hold them with care and gentleness, not trapping them nor squeezing them too hard..the love is based in the gratitude for this gentle handling.

Sometimes this feels a little bit like the elephant under the rug because our society and culture tends to only assign those feelings to romantic relationships. That can be a little spooky when you are straight and you have these fleeting moments of feelings for a spiritual friend of the same sex—but at the same time it is a reminder that God’s love has no gender. In fact, this is a conversation I could not have with 97.5% of people because they would dismiss it as some sort of sexual voyeuristic thing or they would run off and tell people you have some gender identity problems! It irks me that people can’t allow things that are pure and good forms of love in the world other than a cookie cutter formula...but I’ll save that rant for another day!